


The sky collapsed without a sound

by justhockey



Category: 9-1-1 (TV)
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Arguing, Caring Eddie Diaz, Communication, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Established Relationship, Lack of Communication, M/M, Making Up, Past Child Neglect, Relationship Problems, Swearing, Upset Evan "Buck" Buckley, but they get better at it
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-01
Updated: 2020-08-01
Packaged: 2021-03-05 21:01:43
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,255
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25651777
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/justhockey/pseuds/justhockey
Summary: They’re both riled up and they’re in serious danger of saying something that they’ll regret. But for some reason, Eddie just can’t keep his mouth shut.“Oh and you’resoperfect, aren’t you Buck? You never screw things up, do you?”
Relationships: Evan "Buck" Buckley/Eddie Diaz (9-1-1 TV)
Comments: 40
Kudos: 560





	The sky collapsed without a sound

**Author's Note:**

> Title from _Part of Me_ from Dear Evan Hansen.

It had been far too quiet for far too long, but Eddie is way too stubborn to let up.

They’d argued right before shift, and like, arguing wasn’t exactly new to him and Buck, but this was the first _real_ argument they’d had while in a relationship. Not whispers under their breath or sarcastic comments that get brushed under the rug, no. A full on screaming match, to the point where Eddie’s throat felt hoarse and raw afterwards. 

And it’s not like it wasn’t even about anything major, really, Eddie had just forgot to load the dishwasher like Buck had asked him to. It was more a culmination of lots of little things that they’d ignored, tiny disagreements that they hadn’t talked out, all bubbling to the surface in one furious argument. 

They’d gotten through work, because they’re professionals who don’t let their home life affect their work life, but the second the front door closed behind them they fell into an awkward silence. And Eddie wouldn’t have minded, because sometimes that’s just what you need. Even when you love someone with all that you are, sometimes you just need space from them. He was okay with that. 

Except. Buck just started _picking._ They weren’t talking to each other, but every so often Buck would say something under his breath or from another room, and it was driving Eddie crazy. He just wanted to be mad for a while, have a breather from each other, and then get over it. But it seemed Buck was determined to cause another problem. 

“I don’t understand why you can’t just do what I ask,” Buck grumbles. 

He’s in the kitchen, probably just looking for something to complain about, and Eddie refuses to even acknowledge him. He’s tired of arguing, and he’s tired from a god-awful shift, and the last thing he wants to do is get into another yelling match. So he bites his lips and changes the channel. 

He hears Buck sigh and has to take a breath. 

“You didn’t buy milk,” Buck says. 

Eddie can hear the frustration in his voice, and okay, he kind of gets that. He’s notoriously bad at remembering to pick things up from the grocery store, especially now that Buck is around because he usually picks up Eddie’s slack. But like, it really isn’t the end of the world. Christopher is staying with his cousins for a few nights so they can survive without milk until tomorrow. Buck is just looking for a fight. 

He changes the channel again, refuses to rise to Buck’s challenge. 

It’s quiet again for a while, besides the sound of Buck moving through the house. Eddie could go to see what he was doing, or ask, but honestly, he doesn’t care. He doesn’t have the energy and he knows that whatever he says, Buck will turn into something more than it is. 

“I’ll just do the laundry, don’t worry about it, you relax,” he hears Buck say, in the most obnoxiously sarcastic tone Eddie has ever heard him use. 

And he’s tried, he really has. But he can’t bite his tongue for a second longer. He jumps up and stalks into the kitchen where Buck is separating the darks from the whites. 

“What the _fuck_ is your problem, Buckley?” Eddie yells. 

Buck flinches when he first hears Eddie shout, but then his shoulders sag in, what? Relief? Defeat? Eddie doesn’t have time to read into it because Buck is shouting right back at him. 

“You’re my fucking problem, _Diaz,_ ” he replies. 

“Oh of course, because everything is always my fault isn’t it?”

“ _Yes!_ ” Buck yells, throwing his hands up in frustration. “I ask you to do one fucking thing and you can’t even do that!”

Eddie hates this. He doesn’t want to be arguing with Buck ever, but especially not after a ridiculously long, tiring shift. They’re both riled up and they’re in serious danger of saying something that they’ll regret. But for some reason, Eddie just can’t keep his mouth shut. 

“Oh and you’re _so_ perfect, aren’t you Buck? You never screw things up, do you?”

It’s cruel, is what it is. Eddie’s playing directly into Buck’s insecurities and it’s mean and petty, and so unnecessary. The look on Buck’s face is devastating, but before Eddie can even open his mouth to apologise, Buck is laughing. 

“Jesus, you’re never gonna let that go are you?” Buck asks, and he sounds so sad even though he’s laughing bitterly. 

Eddie instantly knows where Buck’s mind has gone. The lawsuit, or the tsunami, maybe. It’s not what he intended, not by a long shot. He wasn’t even thinking about them, but of course that’s what it sounded like to Buck. Buck who’s still so insecure, who _still_ feels guilty no matter how many times Eddie and the team have reassured him. 

But really, it’s no wonder when Eddie throws things like that in his face. 

He feels sick with guilt and he knows he needs to apologise, but right now he thinks that whatever comes out of his mouth will just make things worse. Buck is desperate for another blow up and if Eddie says one more word, he’ll give it to him. 

He pushes a hand through his hair and takes a long breath. 

“I’m done with this,” Eddie says. 

He turns around, walks through the house, and straight out of the front door. 

He needs room to fucking _breathe_ without Buck itching for a fight every single second. Eddie knows that walking away from your problems isn’t any way to solve them, but right now it feels like the only option. He’ll go back in a little while and they’ll talk it all out and they’ll fix things, but right now he needs some space. 

So Eddie walks around the neighbourhood. It’s dark out and the sound of traffic is minimal, it’s peaceful. It gives Eddie time to think, and the more he thinks, the more guilty he feels. 

Buck was right in the first place. He’d cooked breakfast for them both and asked Eddie to load the dishwasher while he showered, and Eddie just hadn’t. Not on purpose, he’d got an email from the PTA at Chris’ school. But that wasn’t urgent, it could have waited until they’d got to work or something. And that was only the trigger, it had clearly been building up for a while, but still. 

Eddie had also forgotten the milk. _And_ he hadn’t done the laundry. He was planning to do it tomorrow, on their day off, but he hadn’t told Buck that, and instead of explaining he had just yelled. So Eddie can see why it _had_ been a big deal to Buck, when he adds it all up. 

Eddie feels immensely guilty, and just, _lonely_ , if he’s honest. He and Buck never go more than a few hours without some kind of physical affection, and they certainly never go this long without talking. Eddie thinks that even though they talk a lot, they probably need to learn how to get better at _saying_ things. 

He stops in the middle of the sidewalk and turns around, instantly heading back home. They’d both said things they shouldn’t have, Eddie more so than Buck, and it’s time they talk about it like grown ups. It’s not fair on Buck for Eddie to just walk out, even if he thought he was doing it for the right reasons. 

The living room light is still on when Eddie gets home. His heart shatters when he opens the door and sees Buck sitting on the sofa, his legs crossed beneath him and his eyes red and swollen. It’s clear he’s been crying and Eddie wants nothing more than to just take it all back immediately. 

Buck looks up at him with a look of utter relief on his face. It doesn’t last long though, it’s quickly replaced with anger, and Eddie can’t blame him. 

“Nice of you to come back,” Buck says, and it’s biting - furious. 

Eddie deserves it. 

“I shouldn’t have left,” Eddie admits. 

“Oh, you fucking think so?”

And Eddie gets that Buck is mad, okay, he deserves to be. But this just seems so out of character, so unlike Buck, and he doesn’t know what’s going on. Because Buck really isn’t one to pick fights, he never has been. In fact, he _hates_ them. It’s Buck who always says _forget it_ or _it doesn’t matter_ and kisses Eddie on the cheek and they go back to normal. Buck is the peace keeper. 

“Okay, Buck, _what_ is going on?” Eddie finally asks. 

They’re both exhausted. It’s almost 11pm and they’ve already worked a twelve hour shift, but this is too important to put off. 

Buck laughs. “Why don’t you tell me, Ed? You’re the one who _left._ ”

Buck’s facade falters then, his voice slipping from anger to hurt for a brief second. 

“Why are you still trying to pick a fight?”

Eddie asks because he needs to know what’s going on, but he’s not expecting the answer to completely break his heart. 

“So you’ll talk to me!” Buck yells. 

The silence that follows is deafening. It’s so heavy that Eddie feels like he’s being suffocated beneath it. 

“What?” He chokes out. 

“You’ve been ignoring me _all day!_ ” Buck says. “You hadn’t spoken to me since this morning and I couldn’t fucking take it.”

And if Eddie felt guilty before, now he feels complete shame. 

He should have known. Buck can’t stand the quiet at the best of times, but the silent treatment is like pure torture for him. Eddie hadn’t done it on purpose, would never want to hurt Buck like that, he’d just needed space. But he should have said so, should have explained himself instead of just ignoring him. 

“Buck,” Eddie sighs, “I’m so sorry.”

Buck is standing now, his arms crossed defensively in front of his chest and, _fuck_ , he’s crying. 

“I’d just - I’d rather fight with you than have you ignore me,” Buck confesses. 

His voice is quiet and it cracks as he speaks. Eddie can’t stand it. He closes the space between them in less than a second and folds Buck into his arms. He’d expected Buck to resist, but instead he just falls into Eddie, wraps his arms so tightly around his waist and presses his face into Eddie’s neck. He whimpers in relief and Eddie hates himself. 

“I’m sorry, I’m so sorry baby,” Eddie murmurs.

He apologises over and over again, presses kisses into Buck’s hair in between each one. 

“Sorry for trying to pick a fight,” Buck whispers. 

Eddie can’t stand it. He hates that Buck is feeling even a shred of guilt when every single bit of this was his fault, right from the beginning. He steps back to look Buck in the eyes. 

“It’s not your fault,” Eddie tells him firmly. 

“Still shouldn’t have done it,” Buck mumbles. “I’d just rather have you shout at me than not talk to me.”

It’s heavy, and Eddie knows they need to unpack it. There’s no way Buck can go on carrying all of this weight without sharing some of it. So he tugs Buck over to the sofa and they sit down together, so close Buck may as well be sitting on Eddie’s lap. 

“I should have loaded the dishwasher,” Eddie says. Buck tries to interrupt but Eddie shushes him and continues. “I should have, and you had every right to be mad when I didn’t. I should have also picked up more milk because I know that you asked me too, and I was going to do the laundry tomorrow but I should have told you that.”

Buck shakes his head. Eddie knows he finds it hard to believe that not everything is his fault, and he also knows that the way he’s acted tonight has just exacerbated that problem. He owes Buck so many apologies. 

“I overreacted,” Buck says. 

This time it’s Eddie who shakes his head. 

“I think we both know it wasn’t just the dishwasher we were fighting about, though, was it?”

Buck shrugs but doesn’t answer. 

“Come on babe, if we don’t talk about it then we can’t fix it. I need you to tell me what’s going on,” Eddie says. 

He can feel Buck tense so he tightens his arms around him and presses a kiss to his temple. 

“I don’t want you to get mad at me,” Buck admits. 

“I’m not gonna get mad baby, I promise,” Eddie says. 

He means it, too. Whatever Buck needs to say, even if it’s something Eddie doesn’t want to hear, he won’t get mad at him for it. At the very least, Buck deserves that. 

“I just - sometimes it feels like you take advantage of me, a bit.”

Buck sounds small and frightened, and, okay. Eddie’s first instinct is to get defensive, but he doesn’t. Instead he takes a moment to think about what Buck is saying. He knows how difficult it was for Buck to say it, can feel it in the way Buck’s hands are trembling against Eddie’s thigh, so there must be some truth in it. 

And when Eddie thinks about it properly, looks back over the last few days, weeks, months - _years_ really, before they were even dating - Buck is right. Eddie is ashamed to acknowledge it, because it’s not something he has ever done consciously, but it’s true. 

He _does_ take advantage of Buck. He expects him to be there whenever Eddie needs him, just trusts that Buck will do whatever Eddie asks of him, and even the things that he _doesn’t_ ask for. Buck takes care of Christopher and he takes care of Eddie too, he goes grocery shopping and remembers everything they need, he cooks, he cleans when Eddie forgets to, and Eddie never even says thank you. He hadn’t even realised it was happening. 

“Eddie,” Buck says, quiet and uncertain. 

He’s been quiet for too long, and he can feel Buck getting nervous beside him. He presses another kiss into Buck’s hair before he replies. 

“Sorry, I was just thinking.”

“I shouldn’t have said anything.” Buck tries to back-pedal, but Eddie won’t let him. 

“No, no I’m glad you did. I’m so sorry, baby,” Eddie says. “You’re right, I do take advantage of you. You’re so dependable and selfless, and I took advantage of that, and I didn’t even realise I was doing it. I’m sorry.”

“It’s okay-“

“-it’s not, Buck. It’s not okay,” Eddie says. 

Eddie gently cups Buck’s jaw, turns his head so he’s looking at him. Eddie can’t help but kiss him. Only quickly, soft, just because he can. Because he _needs_ to. 

“Thank you. Thank you for every single thing you do for me and Christopher. I certainly don’t show it enough, but I appreciate it more than you could ever know.”

He does. He always has. Even before they were together, Eddie knew that he could call Buck at any time of the day or night, and Buck would be there. Eddie appreciates it more than he even knows how to put into words, and he had assumed that Buck knew that. But he and Buck are different people, and they express themselves and understand things in different ways. Sometimes, what Eddie thinks is just obvious, Buck needs to hear. 

“I know you do,” Buck replies. 

“But I should show you more. I should tell you because you deserve to hear it, and from now on, I will, okay?”

“Okay,” Buck says. 

Buck is more relaxed now, Eddie can feel it in the way he presses against him, the way he buries his face in Eddie’s neck and breathes deeply. He doesn’t say anything for a while, just lets his hand rub circles onto Buck’s back as they sit in comfortable silence. 

“I don’t like fighting,” Buck finally says.

“Me either babe, I’m sorry.”

“Or-“ Buck pauses, like he’s trying to figure out what how to say what he means. “I don’t like fighting, but I _hate_ the quiet afterwards.”

Eddie wants to say something, but he can tell that Buck isn’t done speaking. Sometimes it takes him a while to express how he really feels or talk about what he’s thinking, and Eddie is getting better at understanding that. So he holds him tighter but doesn’t interrupt, and waits until Buck is ready. 

“When I was a kid, especially after Maddie was gone, the house was always too quiet. My parents hardly ever spoke to me, and sometimes, after an argument, we’d go weeks without speaking.”

Eddie hates Buck’s parents. He has done since that first time Buck had spoken about them, when they’d had a few too many beers and they were loose and vulnerable, and Buck had confessed how all he’d ever wanted was to feel loved by them. How he still has never felt that. 

He hates them even more now. 

“It felt like I wasn’t even real, like I could look in a mirror and there would be nothing staring back at me,” Buck says. “I just, please don’t ignore me, even if you’re mad.”

“Okay, Buck. I won’t do that again,” Eddie promises. 

“And don’t leave, either. I just - please? I’m tired of people leaving.”

Eddie kisses him, because if he doesn’t he’s convinced he’ll start crying. He holds Buck’s face between his hands and kisses him slow, and sweet, and deep. He tries to convey every ounce of love that he feels for him, how much he completely _adores_ Buck. 

“I’m not going anywhere, I love you,” Eddie whispers against Buck’s lips. 

“I love you too.”

**—————**

Eddie is angry. So furious that there aren’t enough words to properly express it. And he knows that what he’s really feeling is left-over fear and blinding relief, but anger is easier for him to process right now.

Buck is so fucking _reckless_. 

The structure was completely unstable and the fire was just too big. They all knew it only had minutes left before it would collapse, but then there was a screaming mom and her daughter was inside and it was too dangerous, they _couldn’t._ But Buck did anyway. 

He was barely out of the building - the crying little girl wrapped tightly in his arms - when it gave one final shudder and collapsed. 

Buck was okay, and so was the kid, but Eddie could barely breathe. The whole team had yelled at him for being so stupid, so impulsive. But Eddie couldn’t. Once he’d checked Buck over for himself and was certain that he really was okay, Eddie couldn’t even look at him. 

It’s the middle of the night when they finally get home. Buck goes to bed first, and by the time Eddie has made it to the bedroom he is curled up in a ball on the very edge of the bed, as far away from Eddie’s side as is physically possible. 

Eddie sighs. He’s mad, but more than that, he’s _relieved._ So he pulls back the covers and crawls into bed. Without any hesitation he slots in behind Buck, wrapping his arms around his waist tightly and holding him so close he can feel the tension melt away. 

“I’m mad at you,” Eddie murmurs, his mouth pressing against Buck’s shoulder. 

Buck squeezes his hand. “Okay.”

Sometimes they get mad at each other and Eddie doesn’t want to talk, but they’ve learned that words aren’t the only way to communicate. 

Eddie squeezes Buck’s hand back three times. 

_I love you._

**Author's Note:**

> For some reason I can only write angst for these two I’m so sorry :(


End file.
